


Euphemisms

by shushumimi123



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Fluff, Funny, M/M, Only the rating for the sex puns, Scorpius is buzzing from energy, Who Knows?, jokes and puns, maybe from candy?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 10:29:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13522344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shushumimi123/pseuds/shushumimi123
Summary: The book of ‘Four hundred euphemisms for sexual intercourse’





	Euphemisms

"Hey, Al," Scorpius called out from his side of the dorm room.

"Yeah," Albus answered, looking up from where he sat on his bed, slipping one of his socks on.

He watched Scorpius have a massive grin on his face as he placed his hand against his bedpost and leaned against it. "Do you wanna do the two-person pushup," he asked and winked.

Albus furrowed his eyebrows before huffing out a laugh. "Two-person pushup? You mean sex?" he asked before raising his eyebrow at him. "Where did you even learn that?"

Scorpius laughed and turned to his bed and pulled out a small, palm-sized book and held it out to Albus. "Teddy sent this with his letter yesterday. I've been dying all morning,"

Albus leaned over to read the title of the book. 'Four hundred euphemisms for sexual intercourse.'

Al glanced up at his boyfriend with a curious expression. "Teddy sent you this? Uh, why?"

Scorpius chuckled softly and pulled the book back, flipping through the pages and shrugged. "I don't know. Said he saw it and just had to buy it for me," he asked before covering his mouth and laughed. "Listen to this one. Will you let me assault you with my friendly weapon?"

"Ha! That's a good one actually," Albus said. He then slid his feet into his shoes before grabbing his cloak and bag. "Ready to go?"

Scorpius nodded and swung his bag over his shoulder, following Albus to the door as he flipped another page of the book.

Albus opened the door and paused, staring at him. "Are you bringing that with you? To class?"

Scorpius looked up from the little page and blinked. "Hm? Oh, yeah I am. It's too funny to put down," he said and blew him a kiss, trying to distract Al off the matter.

Albus pursed his lips until he gave in and sighed. "Fine. Just don't keep bringing them up," he mumbled.

But what Al didn't know was that Scorpius pretended he didn't hear that.

 

"Hey, Al," Scorpius whispered, leaning in towards him.

  
Albus just nodded in acknowledgement as he continued to poorly doodle Professor Slughorn while he raged on about the benefits of onion juice.

Scorpius bit his lip and shifted a laugh. "Why don't we meet up after class and do some bonestorming," he said and covered his mouth with his had snickered.

Albus stifled a laugh and nodded, nudging Scorpius' shoulder with his own. "That was a good one," he whispered and glanced over to see Scorpius flip through the pages, supposedly trying to find another good one.

 

"Feeding the kitty? No, that's a girl one," Scorpius pointed out and flipped the page as he let Albus led him through the hall.

Albus had his hand on Scorpius back and manoeuvred him through the crowd as he usually did. Except, Scorpius would usually have his head buried in a real book instead of an innuendo one.

"Maybe all the good ones are done," Albus suggested. After hearing almost fifty before lunchtime had become tiresome and he just wanted Scorpius to at least pun about something else. Anything else, really. Just, no more sex stuff.

"What are you guys doing," Rose asked as she stepped off of the stairs right in front of them.

Albus halted Scorpius and gave her a meek wave while Scorpius gave her a quick yet enthusiastic one then hastily went back to reading.

Rose thought nothing of the usual behaviour but still turned to Albus to get more insight. Maybe she'd get a good book recommendation. But perhaps not today.

"He's reading a sex pun book that Teddy got him," Albus pointed out.

"It's a euphemism book, actually," Scorpius pointed out before he continued skimming through it, chuckling to himself.

Rose scrunched up her nose and leaned down to catch a glimpse of the cover. And sure enough, neither Slytherin was pulling her leg. "Why would Teddy buy him that?"

Albus let go of Scorpius and shrugged. "I don't know. But he's been telling me them all day," he trailed off and harmlessly glared up at Scorpius.

Scorpius flicked his eyes down to him and gave him a sheepish grin "But they're so funny. I can't help it," he whined.

Scorpius looked at the both of them and bit the inside of his cheek, grinning. "Wait. Here's a good one. Rose, you'll like this one," he said and quickly flipped back a couple pages. "Why don't we go back to my place and disappoint the wife."

Rose laughed and nodded. "That's actually funny," she said and shoved him.

Scorpius laughed as Albus just chuckled under his breath. "Right! Told you," Scorpius hummed and stepped back to lean against the railing to go through some more.

Albus watched him before turning back to Rose. "Some are good. But I'm done. No more euphemisms, Scorp. If you want sex, you gotta ask for it like a big boy, got it," he asked in an over-dramatic tone, looking over at Scorpius with his hands on his hips and mouth pressed into a tight line.

Scorpius playfully stuck his tongue out at him, and Albus copied the gesture. "Nope. I'm gonna keep bothering you," Scorpius hummed.

Albus sighed heavily and felt Rose pat his shoulder. "Just face it, Al. It's just so much fun teasing you," she said and smirked.

Albus huffed and swatted his hand away. "Oh, shut it. I hate you for taking his side. I swear, if he says one more, I'm gonna-" Albus paused and tried to think of something witty. But all his mind could think of was stupid sex puns. Dammit!

Albus squinted his eyes and frowned. "-do something," he trailed off slowly, coiling his hands at his disappointing finish.

Rose snickered and nodded. "Oh, yes. Very scary," she said and shook her head. "Good luck stopping him, Al. You'll need it."

Albus sighed and nodded. "Thanks, Rose."

"Hey, Al," Scorpius called out, his voice shaky from holding back a fit of giggles.

Albus and Rose both looked over and stared at Scorpius. Who currently at his foot perched on a step and wiggled his eyebrows at Al. "Wanna go explore the Chamber of Secrets?"

Albus gave him a deadpan glare before whirling his head over to Rose when he heard her chuckle.

She turned to him and shrugged."That one was pretty good, not going to lie."

"Shut up!"

"Hey, Al. Al. Albus," Scorpius whispered, leaning across the library table.

Albus ran his fingers through his hair and glued his eyes to his parchment as he tried to actually work. This is what the day has resorted to. Albus actually wanting to do work instead of just chilling.

"Shut up, Scorp. I told you, I'm gonna hex you if you say another one," he mumbled.

But Scorpius didn't find a threat in that. Instead, he just bit his lip and beamed. "Do you wanna test my suspension?"

Albus pressed his lips tightly together. For he would not laugh. He had to be strong.

Instead, he gripped his quill and chucked it at him, frowning as he glared at him.

Scorpius gasped and ducked, just missing the quill before letting out a quiet laugh. "Guess you don't wanna release the Kreachen?"

"For Merlin's sake," Albus hissed and grabbed a scrunched up piece of parchment and threw it at his head.

Scorpius laughed and slipped off his chair, fumbling to his feet as he backed away. "What about Hiding the Bishop?"

"Stop," Albus groaned and grabbed his textbook and launched it at full force.

Scorpius squeaked and slid behind a bookshelf, and Albus groaned, hearing his laughter and seeing him through the books. "So no dipsy-doodle?"

"Scorpius!" Albus yelled and threw another book towards the shelf. Which in return caught the attention of Madam Prince and got Albus Potter promptly booted out, much to Albus' annoyance as Scorpius somehow slipped away unseen during the whole debacle.

"Let's do the dirty deed."

"No."

"What about the bow-chick-a-wow-wow?"

"Stop."

"Let's dance the goat’s jig."

"I swear I'll push you into the lake."

"Someone sounds like they need to get their banana peeled."

"I'm gonna hold kissing privileges from you for a week if you keep this up."

"Shall we harpoon the salty longshoreman?"

"This makes me never want to have sex with you ever again."

"Going heels-to-Jesus?"

"I'm breaking up with you."

"Matrimonial polka?"

"Why are you like this?"

"Wanna part the pink sea?"

"I'm gonna burn that book."

"Wanna ride my St. George."

"I'm going to kill you. Then Teddy. And then you, again."

"Can you pass the gravy?"

"I don't know you."

"Finally," Albus breathed out and shut the dorm door, letting out a sigh of relief as he walked over to his bed and let himself fall onto the mattress.

After ditching Scorpius at dinner, Al had hurried to the Owlery to send Teddy a very detailed howler regarding why he should never ever gift Scorpius anything ever again for the rest of time.

And now, finally, he had some peace. No one had come back from dinner yet, and according to the time, he had five minutes before the 'Euphemism-master' comes barreling through the door to continue torturing Albus with even more stupid play on words and even dumber phrases.

Albus closed his eyes and shifted a bit on his bed before hearing the door open and focused on the footsteps. And by the familiarity of them, he knew just who they belonged to.

He felt the edge of his bed drip from Scorpius' weight and just turned his face to him, his eyes still shut.

Al felt Scorpius lean down and kiss his cheek. "Hey," he whispered. "I'm done. No more euphemisms. Promise"

Contented by the apology, Al finally opened his eyes, looking up to see the adorable pout on the blond's face.

He reached out for his hand and squeezed it. "It's okay," he said before brushing his thumb against the back of Scorp's hand. "You know, they weren't all that bad? Quite funny, actually."

Scorpius' eyes widened before he grinned. "Really? I'm glad. When you walked out of dinner, I thought you had hated them for real."  
"Oh, no. I did," Albus corrected as he sat up and poked Scorpius' cheek. "Listening to a million shitty puns in one day is a form of torture, and if given a chance I would've punched you," he said before breaking into a grin and leaned back against his headboard, playing with Scorpius' nimble fingers.

"I know how you get when you find something new. You obsess over it before completely forgetting about it, or if you actually like it, you mellow out." Albus looked up and smiled as Scorpius just nodded in agreement.

"But, once in a while would've been fine. Like, just for laughs to break tension or something," Al suggested.

Scorpius nodded again, leaning over to place a soft peck on Al's lips. "Okay. Once in every blue moon or so. Got it," he hummed and grinned against his lips, silence drifting over the two teens. "I love you."

"And I love you, you clown," he bit back and kissed Scorpius again. This time to catch up with all the kisses they missed that day.

When they finally pulled back, Scorpius' placed his hand on Albus' thigh, slowly sliding up as his eyes gazed up to watch Albus' cheeks redden with anticipation. "Speaking of breaking the tension," Scorpius whispered in Albus' ear.

Al's eyes fluttered closed, and he licked his lip, holding back a smirk. "Hm, yeah?"

Scorpius let out a purr, the sound sending shivers down Albus' spine as they laced their fingers together. And with a low, quiet voice, Scorpius whispered: "Let's launch the meat missile."

Albus' eyes snapped open, and he glared at a grinning Scorpius. He lifted his leg up and kicked him off the bed, "I HATE YOU!" Albus yelled as Scorpius clutched his stomach, roaring with laughter.

Needless to say, kissing privileges were indeed revoked for the rest of the week.


End file.
